


Dear Dean Winchester, are you there? It's me, God.

by MissyJack



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Crack, Gen, Meta
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-29
Updated: 2013-05-29
Packaged: 2017-12-13 08:16:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/822046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissyJack/pseuds/MissyJack
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a look at Heaven and Hell and their relationship with the Winchesters.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dear Dean Winchester, are you there? It's me, God.

**Title:** Dear Dean Winchester, are you there? It's me, God.  
 **Author:**[](http://missyjack.livejournal.com/profile)[ **missyjack**](http://missyjack.livejournal.com/)  
 **Rating:** R, CRACK  
 **Words** :2,308  
 **Betas:** Thanks so much to the wonderful [](http://pocketfullof.livejournal.com/profile)[**pocketfullof**](http://pocketfullof.livejournal.com/) and [](http://larienelengasse.livejournal.com/profile)[**larienelengasse**](http://larienelengasse.livejournal.com/) for beta work and support,  
 **Summary:** This is a look at Heaven and Hell and their relationship with the Winchesters.  
 **A/N:** my gift for [](http://yamapea.livejournal.com/profile)[**yamapea**](http://yamapea.livejournal.com/) for the [](http://spn-j2-xmas.livejournal.com/profile)[**spn_j2_xmas**](http://spn-j2-xmas.livejournal.com/) fic exchange. Inspired by [](http://yamapea.livejournal.com/profile)[**yamapea**](http://yamapea.livejournal.com/)'s prompt for some Dean/God (although it isn't that) and also "Seven Souls" by William S. Burroughs, although here Dean only has five.

 

**THEN**

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. From the void, He bought forth the stars and black holes and planets and moons and asteroids, and laid them out on the space time continuum, although He could never quite get it to lay flat and so it had a few wrinkles.

On the second day (that wasn't really a day but just a metaphor for a really really long time, though millennia later some people still wouldn't get this), which would later be called Tuesday for a reason no-one could remember, He created quantum physics and rainbows and the design for every single snowflake that would ever exist.

God was well pleased with Himself and wished to share these wonders. So He created beings out of life and love and imbued them with His Grace, which was sort of a combination of His divine breath and some godly spit.

Thursday, God went on a bit of a creation bender and pulled an all nighter. He created dinosaurs and bees and broccoli and unicorns and dolphins and red back spiders and paramecium and gerberas. He decided how roses and the air before a storm and wet dogs should smell. The angels gasped in awe as God made every thing that has ever lived upon the earth or in the seas.

In case you were wondering: yes, evolution is just a cover story.

Saturday spun around and God created humans. First He made man, and then having got in some practice, He made woman. He gave them souls, slivers of Grace left over from the angels.

God then created Dean Winchester in His image. As you might guess, God is a vain bastard.

***

God has a big ego. It sort of goes with the job description of Deity. God's love is infinite and eternal, but that really doesn't make up for not having a cock. He might be omnipotent, but He isn't potent. It makes Him cranky.

One of the Angels, Lucifer, said to God, "We are perfect and unwavering in our love for You. Most humans don't even believe in You and those that do are batshit crazy. Most of them are more devout about football than You. The celestial choir sings notes so pure the universe vibrates in harmony, and yet You sit round listening to cheesy pop songs created by whores and sinners. Why did You create these dirt people who shit and piss and smell?"

God sighed. "Ah, Lucifer, angels are indeed everything a Divine Being could want from adoring minions. But you're like the boyfriend I take home to meet the family. Humans are the bad boys – the ones who'll blow you 'til your eyes bleed, break your heart, steal your wallet and fuck your best friend. They're fun, but I'll always come home to you."

"Fuck this," said Lucifer and chucked in his wings and flounced off to start a gang called the Hell's Angels, in the basement where God kept all His mistakes. It was hot and smelly and He kept meaning to clean it out, but Lucifer moved in and stuck a "No Divine Beings Allowed" sign on the door.

Nobody puts Lucifer in a corner.

***

Time passed. God had plans and He moved in mysterious ways.

Humanity proved troublesome and not so much fun, and finally God just threw his hands in the air and left them to their own devices.

In Hell, there was much pain and suffering and torment. God locked up Lucifer after he tried to convince humans that they should hang out with him, seeing how they and God seemed to be on a break. But the number of demons was legion, and they too had ambitions and plans. Cunning plans that they spent millennia refining. There were flow diagrams and Gantt charts and key milestones and risk management frameworks.

The devil is in the detail.

***

**NOW**

It's probably part of some joke ripped from the "Laughter is the best medicine" page of the cosmic Reader's Digest, that the events that would lead to the apocalypse started in Lawrence, Kansas (a town of no consequence) in the decade responsible for the some of the worst fashion crimes in history.

***

Mary Winchester told her first born Dean, that angels would watch over him. She omitted to tell him that demons would too.

***

> "Hush little baby don't say a word,  
> and never mind that noise you heard.  
> It's just the beasts under your bed, in your closet, in your head."
> 
> from "Enter Sandman" by _Metallica_  
> 

***

"Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep."

Sam whispered the words, barely moving his lips. Pastor Jim told him he could say the prayers in his head, but that didn't seem as real. He used to kneel by his bed, hands clasped under his chin, elbows leaning on the faded bedspread in whatever motel they were staying. But while Dean had, surprisingly, never teased him about it, he sensed his brother's disapproval, so Sam curled up in bed, eyes squeezed tight and prayed.

"Should I die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take."

***

God looked at Sam Winchester's souls and found that they were all stained dark with demon blood. "Soiled goods," he thought. Sam Winchester got to keep his souls.

***

Azazel called himself Soul Killer, but the nickname that stuck was Yellow Eyes.

Azael's plan was breathtaking in its enormity and elegant in its simplicity. He wanted not to destroy humanity, nor even to corrupt them but simply to render them soulless, so that God would no longer see Himself reflected in them. Because isn't that when love dies? When we no longer see something of ourselves in our beloved?

***

Dean Winchester has not only committed all seven deadly sins more than once, he has done a few of them in new positions.

He can also confirm that you can indeed see paradise by the dashboard light.

***

After Hell, John Winchester found Heaven a bit of an adjustment. Pain and torture he could deal with. Love and peace came a bit harder.

Eventually though, he found someone he had a few things in common with.

"So, my boy has gone and traded his life to a demon in order to save his brother."

"Kids," said God. "Don't talk to me about kids."

"My youngest," said John, "always argued with me. Nothing was ever black and white. Age thirteen, he's giving lectures on moral relativism while I'm trying to take down a werewolf."

"Oh I hear you. My boy? Always on at me about the smiting and the plagues. Turn the other cheek; love thy neighbor. Then suddenly he's all EAT MY BODY and DRINK MY BLOOD or you will be DAMNED FOR ALL ETERNITY."

"That emo stage is a kicker. Sam - now he's using his demonic mind powers to do exorcisms, and doing the horizontal tango with a she-devil."

"At least he's got himself a girl," harrumphed God.

***

Jesus saw his Heavenly Father and John Winchester talking. "Great," he muttered, “as if I didn’t have enough Daddy issues already."

***

> "Here are two paths you can go by  
> But in the long run  
> Theres still time to change the road you're on.  
> And it makes me wonder."
> 
> (oooh it makes me wonder)
> 
> from "Stairway to Heaven" by _Led Zeppelin_  
> 

***

The Ancient Egyptians believed that a human soul was made up of five parts: the _ren_ , the _ba_ , the _ka_ , the _bheut_ , and the _ib_. They were pretty right about that. However, the worshipping cats thing? Not such a smart idea. Build them a pyramid and the next thing you know they're taking over the internet one hilarious macro at a time.

***

Dean sold one of his souls to save Sam's life. Despite everything that happened after, he never had any regrets, because the world was a better place with Sam Winchester in it.

***

_Ib_ is the heart soul. Passion and desire and lust but more than that: love of a parent, love of a child, love of self, love of a stranger. Life itself and more life beyond. There are little specks of _ib_ in Dean's tears as he weeps for his father; it glitters like opal in spurts of semen shot deep inside another, and it glows red in the blood he spills to rescue another victim. Little bits of his heart soul spread like a trail of breadcrumbs wherever he goes, although his _ib_ is so vast it is never diminished.

***

_Ka_ is the life force soul. It is sustained through food and drink.

Dean's _ka_ is very strong.

***

_Sheut_ is the shadow soul. A person cannot exist without this, although they fear its darkness. Like a shadow, no matter how quickly they run they can never get away from it.

***

A person's _ren_ soul is given to them at birth when they are named and it lives for as long as that name was spoken.

"Dean" was the first word Sam ever spoke, and he said it 36,452 times before Dean died.

When Dean died, Sam only said Dean's name three times.

"Dean." The name escaped on a breath as Sam pressed his lips to his brother's. "Dean... Dean." Hesitant, Sam kissed him and breathed in Dean's _ren_. He gathered Dean to him and held him so close, so tight. But he couldn't hold on. Dean was slick with blood and his own gore and he slipped out of Sam's arms and into Hell.

For three months Sam did not speak Dean's name. Bobby tried to say it but Sam would silence him with a glare. After Sam left, Bobby only said Dean's name occasionally, when the whiskey let him cry.

Ruby said Dean's name twice. The first time Sam fucked her and the second time he just walked away.

Deep inside Sam, Dean's _ren_ started to fade.

Ninety five days after he had last said it, Sam found Dean's amulet, wrapped in a gun cloth. He held it in the palm of his hand, gently as if it was fragile. "Dean," he whispered. "Dean." He slipped the leather cord over his head, felt the weight of the amulet against his chest.

He wore it as he cast out demons, and as he hunted for Lilith. A dozen times a day he clasped it over his heart and murmured, "Dean."

Sam said his brother's name 347 times in the next month. When Dean returned, Sam kissed him hello, and breathed Dean's _ren_ back into him. But Dean pushed his _ren_ back into Sam's mouth with his tongue.

"Sam," he said with a voice ruined by Hell. "It's yours."

***

_Ba_ is the Self, the personality, the last soul that leaves a person. It was his _ba_ that Dean traded at a crossroad to save Sam's life.

God looked into Dean's _ba_ and chose him for a holy task. Not because be was special, but because he wasn't.

God sent Castiel, one of His devoted, into the Pit to rescue Dean. When Castiel got there and looked upon Dean, he felt the stirring of feelingS that he was sure were not entirely angelic.

"Oh for My sake," exclaimed God, "when I said grip him tight, I didn't meaN...oh never mind."

***

Soul food, soul music, ass-soul, inner soul, soul of my shoe, braised soul in a white wine sauce. There is soul in all we do and all we are.

***

"Sometimes," reflected John Winchester, "I hate all the shit I dumped on my sons."

"We each give our children a cross to bear," agreed God.

***

Dean got used to waking up to find Castiel sitting on his bed. It was sort of creepy at first, but also comforting in a way Dean would never admit. Castiel was like his night light.

Once in the early hours of the morning, Castiel asked Dean why he still claimed not to believe in God.

"I hear you Dean. When you are naked and sharing ecstasy with another, you invoke the Lord's name repeatedly."

***

It is said that four horsemen - War, Famine, Pestilence and Death - will herald the apocalypse, riding on horses of black, white, red and pale green. They are not to be confused with angels on horseback, which are a delicious appetizer in which oysters are wrapped in slices of bacon and grilled.

Devils on horseback are prunes in bacon. They may well also herald the apocalypse.

***

**AFTER**

***

The Day of Reckoning arrived and the legions of Hell and the hosts of Heaven met upon the battlefield Earth (that's sort of a metaphor and not a reference to that John Travolta movie). They rained down plagues, and disasters, and devastated whole countries in their wake. The seas boiled and the skies cracked.

Dean looked at Sam.

Sam looked at Dean.

"Fuck this," they said and ended it.

***

> Greater love hath no man than this,  
> That a man lay down his life for a friend.  
> But they who love the greater love,  
> Lay down their life; they do not hate.
> 
> New Testament/Wilfred Owen mashup

***

In the beginning, God created everything.

Along the way shit happened.

In the end? Sam and Dean saved the world and lived happily ever after.  



End file.
